Tagged: self-hate

There’s no-one new around you

Right.

Right.

Left.

Right.

Stripping away onion skin slivers of my soul with every swipe
As I arbitrarily decide whether or not I want to

Fuck you.

Fuck it, right, right, right,
Who cares,
Who even needs to look anymore?
The faces blend into one,
The monotonous poses
Juxtaposed and superimposed
Before the eyes of this impostor.

My tongue, tipped in silver but
Finished with tin,
Reeling off lie after cliched lie
From some unwritten manual of manipulation,
But you lap them all up because
You want to believe;
You’re as dead as me inside and you want to
Let yourself pretend that this is real.

A meeting under false pretenses,
We both surrender to our cognitive dissonance.

A chat, a drink, a desperate, joyless fuck
Where you try to convince yourself that
It feels good,
And I try to convince myself that I can
Feel any fucking thing at all.

So here we lie, monstrous in our deception;
Equal weight but a single target,
Yet victims both, another layer gone,
One step closer to the core,
One sliver closer to the end.

So we smile and part ways and suggest
Another meeting we both know is never going to happen
And we spend the night writhing in guilt and shame
And self-hatred and emptiness,
Before we reach for the cure.

Right.

Left.

Right.

Right.

Ouroboros

This guilt stains my soul
Like the light of a billion supernovae
In negative;
An ocean of bleach
Won’t shift this blemish.
I could scrub so hard
That I flay the skin from
My pathetic figure
And still it would remain,
Indelible,
Constant,
Unmoving,
A permanent reminder of all the
Failed fresh starts
And empty wells of motivation,
A planet strip-mined to the core
In search of minerals
Long since exhausted.

So why do I still tell myself
“It’ll get better?”
Why do I still insist on
Pushing through,
On finding that which I know to be
Non-existent,
That which I know forever
Taints me irrevocably?

Because it’s all I have left.

You can fuck your Einstein quote,
You can forget your prayers,
I ignore your speeches.
I carry on because I must,
Not in spite of this affliction but
Because of it.
I will keep on scrubbing
Until the skin regrows.
I will keep on mining until
This planet is destroyed,
And then I will find a new one.
None of these starts will be fresh,
But as I haul up the stagnant water
From those wells which reach
To the very centre of the earth,
I shall light a fire
Upon which this life will burn,
And with that fire I shall boil the water,
Purify it,
Consume it,
And those supernovae will coalesce
Into planetary nebulae.

And I will build the universe anew.

This all consuming fracture

A thousand twisted faces
Stare back at me
From the shattered shards
Of the mirrors I broke
During my unending search
For freedom;
Stare back laughing,
Mouthing the words which
I deny over and over,
The words I refuse to believe.
The nagging doubt
Which creeps into my ears
And takes up residence in my mind,
Displacing the contentment
Which once presided over
This banana republic.
I close my eyes and lash out,
Again,
Again,
Again,
Ears shrieking tinnitus turmoil
As my voice rises
To deafening crescendo,
My fists lash out
At these ghosts of myself,
Knuckles cut to ribbons
On the futility of facts
I cannot allow to be true.
And the whole time,
That legion of demons
Stares back laughing,
Mouthing the words which
I can no longer deny,
Over
And over
And over
Until I believe them,
And find myself inside the mirror as well, mouthing:

“WE ARE YOU.”