Tagged: anger

You know who you are

The meanest thing that
Anyone ever said to
Me was “I love you.”

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Stockholm Mask

I know I still have not posted anything about my trip to Kilimanjaro. I have been… not really in the right frame of mind.

I did write a song though, so you can have that instead.

And the lyrics if you’re interested:

Lost sight of everyone
Memories as ghostly as the fog
I’ve no choice but to run and hide
Haunted day and night by this black dog

Unwilling fugitive
Dredging up resistance from my core
Switch, cover up to give a false
Impression of me forevermore

Crushed under the weight of a thousand fucking lies
this Stockholm syndrome Existence
Dug my own grave and lined it well with broken promises
But I refuse to die.

Still alive, still functioning
Burning all the bridges that I cross
Won’t stop though everything is gone
When you feel nothing all you feel no loss

A thousand lies a thousand deaths a thousand fucking more
A thousand shattered slivers of life
Manifest in me, distorted mockery of self, but hear me
I WILL NOT STOP NOW
Dug my own grave and lined it well with broken promises
But I refuse to die.

One hundred and sixty

An audible crash, then,
As another shattered promise
Fragments into oblivion.
Lost count of the shards,
Of the slivers, of the splinters
Which I desperately try to reassemble,
To make good on this pact,
But I keep
Fucking it up.

Every time it’s the same,
And every time, to my shame
I am forced to take the blame
For this lack of control.
Like a drug response in my brain,
Needles, worms in my veins
as I desperately try to train
my thoughts to see the best in each situation
But it’s
Fucking hopeless.

It’s still there; no escape
From this perpetual mockery of
Self determination,
No release from this hell of my own making,
And seemingly no way to break
The endless cycle of
Shatter
Repair
Shatter
Repair
Shatter
Repair this broken body,
Shatter this mirror which shows the
Worthless sack of shit
Responsible for every damn achievement
I ever faked,
For every lie I tried to believe,
Every promise I promised to fix.

One hundred and sixty.
One hundred and sixty.
One hundred and sixty.

ONE
HUNDRED
AND
SIXTY

I will never be worth that.

That’s the O’Brien in you…

A shade darker now, this earthly light
Where once rang out the sounds of support.
No more;
A shade colder too, without your smile
Which charmed the hearts of so many.
All gone.

I rage at the injustice,
At the cruelness of a God
Who would see fit to remove the star
Which outshone Sirius,
To destroy the oasis of hope
In a desert of life-long despair.

But then I hear your voice:
“Oh lover, don’t be so ruddy stupid.”
And just like always,
The anger dissipates, replaced with insight;
And I know that wherever you are,
You’re making damn sure everyone behaves.

Even Him.

New Year

Fingers trace lines on near-forgotten face;
Who are you? Were you ever anyone else?
Plumb depths of knowledge forbidden,
Rising up through layers of lies,
Drawn out by the memory of what once was;
Of what will be again.
Desperate cries fall, but deaf ears hear nought.

Fingers trace scars on arms punished
For a thousand perceived transgressions,
Still memories refuse to bleed out
From layers of never-healed wounds
Held in by the knowledge of what once was;
Of what will be again.
Cries become screams, still deaf ears hear nought.

You made your bed, old man.
Now lie in it
Lie in it as you lied throughout your life;
Deception breeds hatred breeds anger breeds shame.
Lie in it then, closed eyes but no sleep,
For the wicked deserve none.
And your atonement shall last an eternity.