Tagged: 300

Two hour snot-shot

So I just went to the cinema to see “300: Rise of an empire”. I rather enjoyed the first film, even though it was directed by Zack “miss the point” Snyder (although I suspect it might have been Frank Miller’s input which made it work), and so I was marginally interested in this new offering.

I don’t really know how to describe it other than in terms of internet pornography (stay with me on this). You see, the first film had a defined story, and defined protagonists and antagonists. It gradually built up, until the final epic clash. If it was a porn film it would be a traditional style; starting with a kiss, gradually following the lead actors’ explorations of each other until the first penetration sends them gasping and calling for more. And so they try new positions, skilfully manoeuvring themselves in ways you never thought possible, until the final momentous climax leaves it mark etched on their faces (quite literally, sometimes).

Now, “Rise of an Empire” is more akin to the new wave of internet pornography. It’s nothing but a string of cum-shots lashed together, each one as unmemorable as the previous one, never building, peaking too soon. A string of pointless ejaculations landing on countless faces, none of which you will remember, until eventually, it just peters out and the credits roll.

Ironically, there was an ad for premature ejaculation treatment prior to the movie. Perhaps Hollywood could use some.