Taillights guiding me through the dark,
The only other sign of life on this lonely road.
Destination locked in but it doesn’t feel like home,
And again my thoughts begin to wander…
Not for the first time I think about life in perpetual midnight
The multitudes asleep, uncaring
(Easier to deal with than the usual awake, uncaring)
The roads my playground for eternity
Snap out of it as I see the road block ahead
Guilt and uncertainty wash over me as panic bursts my heart,
See the side road, make the turn,
Alone again on the road to somewhere that isn’t here
Single track roads and humpback bridges,
Blind turns and misty crossroads…
They used to hang people here you know?
But if they want to hang me they’ll have to catch me first.
Through sleeping villages and across fenceless fields
On, on into the night, every mile closer to home
Fills me with more and more despair;
Because home brings sleep, and sleep brings dreams
And dreams force me to confront who I am again.
Hold me in those eyes,
Don’t drop me now.
Suspend me, pull me in
Closing slowly until…
Pull away, avoid contact;
I’m sorry – we’re both sorry.
It wasn’t supposed to happen.
Not like this.
No page from your imaginary script,
No cue from the director,
This is wrong.
So why do I find myself repeating that tired cliche?
Why do I see this same scene
Replayed before me every time I close my eyes?
If this was so wrong,
Why have I carried it with me for years?
Why does the memory still raise a smile?
And why am I unable to imagine
Anyone in your place?
So once again I’m drawn back here,
Alone atop the hill.
And just like always, thoughts run free,
And these ghosts haunt me still.
The cloudless skies show fractures now,
A rift begins to show;
Into those white tears high above
My memories start to flow.
I raise my fists to godless skies,
As if to make of them
Antennae to communicate,
To speak with you again
But hopes and dreams are cruel designs,
Be wary of their cost;
They’ll lull you into comfort lies
When everything is lost.
Reluctantly i leave this place,
Transmissions sent to sky
But soon i will return again
To witness your reply
Fancy a date? Like, with me?
No? Ok then. Cool
A wonderful day;
Wonderful view, but no-one
With which to share it.
Not for the first time
I sit here contemplating
That I am nothing
Stripping away onion skin slivers of my soul with every swipe
As I arbitrarily decide whether or not I want to
Fuck it, right, right, right,
Who even needs to look anymore?
The faces blend into one,
The monotonous poses
Juxtaposed and superimposed
Before the eyes of this impostor.
My tongue, tipped in silver but
Finished with tin,
Reeling off lie after cliched lie
From some unwritten manual of manipulation,
But you lap them all up because
You want to believe;
You’re as dead as me inside and you want to
Let yourself pretend that this is real.
A meeting under false pretenses,
We both surrender to our cognitive dissonance.
A chat, a drink, a desperate, joyless fuck
Where you try to convince yourself that
It feels good,
And I try to convince myself that I can
Feel any fucking thing at all.
So here we lie, monstrous in our deception;
Equal weight but a single target,
Yet victims both, another layer gone,
One step closer to the core,
One sliver closer to the end.
So we smile and part ways and suggest
Another meeting we both know is never going to happen
And we spend the night writhing in guilt and shame
And self-hatred and emptiness,
Before we reach for the cure.