This sinking ship will not be abandoned

Hi J.C. I know it’s been a while.
I mean, how long has it been since we talked?
Eight, nine years maybe?

Look, I know what you’re thinking, OK, so let me set you straight.
I’m not here for forgiveness.
I don’t care about redemption.
Like, seriously, not interested, so don’t even try it, OK?
I don’t care that you were never there for me when things took a dive.
In fact, I’m GLAD you were never there.
No, hear me out on this J.C…

You taught me how to fend for myself.
You abandoned me to the wolves, and I came out alive.
Not unscathed, sure, but stronger. 
Definitely stronger.

I know all your buddies tell me that I should go back to you.
Like you can fix my problems the way you fixed theirs.
I mean, well done for fixing them too I guess…
But like you, they all miss the point.

I know I’m a sinner (according to some of your pals we all are, right?)
I know I’ve messed up more than a few times.
Not proud of it.
Still hurts…
No, don’t start on the redemption shit, OK?
I told you.
Not interested.

I cling to my sin because it defines me.

Every mistake I’ve made, every step I’ve strayed
From your cleanly laid out path
Defines me.

Every promise broken, every lie I’ve spoken
To further personal gain
It defines me

Every doctrine challenged, all your dogma balanced
With heavy scepticism and critical thinking;
That is what defines me.

Take that away and I’m nothing. 
Cleanse me of my sins and I become a shell of a man
With nothing to regret,
Nothing to learn from
And no more choices to make.

The only redemption I need is that which is delivered by my own hands.
Learning, and growing, and adapting, and failing, 
But paying credence at all times to that oft-repeated mantra:
Was mich nicht umbringt, macht mich stärker.

I’m taking on water.
I have been for years.
I’m bailing it out as fast as I can,
And I don’t need you to save me.

Sometimes I think I’m taking on water faster than I can bail it out,
But I’m still above the waterline.

This sinking ship will not be abandoned.


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