Still waiting for the punchline

The last week has been a tough one. Not for any particular reason, but rather for the gradual piling up of issues left unaddressed, and the mounting feeling of worthlessness which I should be shrugging off but instead am allowing to control me.

Still, I have a week off work (although it’s going to be mostly taken up with marking GCSE coursework), and last night was the first decent night’s sleep I’ve had in a long time. I even had a lie-in. I woke up at 8am. EIGHT! That’s a three hour lie-in. Excellent.

So as if on cue, the weather today is rather lovely. I decided on taking my usual walk into town for coffee. IT was an odd experience, setting off from home just after 10 and arriving before half-past. The walk from my old place was a good couple of hours. So that was nice.

While walking through town, I happened across a book sale at one of the churches, and got a copy of Kafka’s “Metamorphosis” for 30p, which again, was nice.

I then took a trip to the used CD shop (which as I understand it is the only music store left in town), and had a flip through some of the discs in there. I felt like a 15 year old again, flipping through records, trying to decide which ones to spend my money on. Interestingly, it was the same store I used to shop at back in the 90s (only they’ve moved premises now). In my head I was playing a split-screen flashback of the 15 year old me leafing through discs and picking out the ones with the gnarliest covers. We didn’t have the internet to preview stuff back then (well, I still don’t have the internet at home, which may be the reason I was buying CDs). I got 8 albums for 20 quid, which was a bargain I thought (2 Comeback Kid albums, 2 Pennywise albums, 2 Thrice albums, a Thursday album and a Pitchshifter album).

So everything seems to be going my way, right? Right. So why can I still not shake off this feeling of emptiness which threatens to consume me whenever my guard is down?

I feel like the butt of a joke that nobody gets.

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