So here we are again, full-circle it would seem. Fists clenched into balls of incandescent rage and yet unable to unleash my fury against my nemesis.
I look at people in town and view them with a mixture of envy and disgust. I am jealous of their ability to continue living the pathetic lives they lead and not feeling the desire to accomplish more. I am jealous of their acceptance of mediocrity. If I was blessed with their ignorance, stupidity and apathy, I’d probably be happy. But I am not. I am cursed with education, intelligence and determination. I have things I want to achieve, societal ills I am desperate to cure, and yet I seem completely incapable of accomplishing ANYTHING.
I fucking disgust myself. I mean, let’s just take a look at the list of things I have achieved in my life:
That’s right, fuck all. And to make matters worse, the only person I have to blame for this is myself. The only way I seem to deal with all this shit is by posting moaning rants on the Internet which nobody reads, or (in the past) by self-harm.
AND NOTHING I EVER FUCKING TRY EVER FUCKING FIXES ANY OF IT.
Maybe I’m just strung out. I’ve had a long, hard weekend and seem to be on a down-turn and should probably be resting. But all I want to do is destroy something or someone. And as I’m the only person here, I guess it’s going to come to that again.
I’m not after a sympathy vote, I’m not expecting anyone to understand, and I’m certainly not wanting any hollow platitudes in the comments. I just need to channel this hate into something tangible.
Also I apologise for the coarseness of my language in this post.