The memory of yesterday’s extraordinary experience is still fresh in my mind. Perhaps that is why motivation today has been on the floor. I am due to move into a new flat in a little under a month’s time, and (fortuitously) I currently have a week off work. My plan was to spend the time taking rubbish to the tip, taking most other things to charity shops for donation and generally sorting out my possessions ready to be boxed for shipping.
Today I have done virtually nothing. I have sat playing guitar, I have drunk some coffee and I have written a blog entry. I cannot motivate myself. The kitchen’s a mess. I should tidy it up. Can’t be bothered. I have a heap of clothes to be washed. Can’t be bothered. The room in which I am currently sat is untidy and filled with rubbish which really should be thrown away.
I cannot be bothered.
It doesn’t help that my car is currently off the road, the brakes having failed. Supposedly it was going to be fixed at the weekend, but that never happened. I am trapped in this dead village, purposeless and alone. The poor motivation is getting dangerously close to self-loathing now. With every word I type, Arnie is shouting “STOP WHINING” in my head. Meh. What’s he going to do, beat me up?
So I guess I need to weigh up my options. I could continue to moan on the internet to a possibly non existent audience. Pros: it’s actually quite cathartic; it keeps me busy; I enjoy writing. Cons: It makes me sound like an irritating idiot; nobody reads it anyway. I could tidy the kitchen. Pros: It would make the kitchen tidy (duh); I could drink coffee out of a fresh cup. Cons: The kitchen is freezing cold; washing up is one of my most detested chores. I could try and sort out this room. Pros: It needs to be done before I move, an early start would be beneficial; there’s LOADS of stuff I could throw away. Cons: It’s dark in here and I broke the lightbulb yesterday; I really can’t be bothered; the car doesn’t work so I couldn’t take the rubbish anywhere anyway.
I guess the other option is to sit and watch a film. I watched Blue Valentine a few days ago and loved it. I think it’s telling that I get great pleasure watching a film which others have described as “the most boring, depressing film I’ve ever seen.” So yeah I have a couple of films like that I could watch. Namely Little Children and Melancholia.
That voice is nagging me again though. The one which says “Karl, you’re on your own again. How does that make you feel?”
Yesterday reminded me that I was alive. Today is the absence of that feeling. Once again I feel impossibly alone. I’m probably not, in the grand scheme of things, but still the feeling persists.
It’s a happiness hangover.